I feel like I don’t know how to express myself anymore. I have just been so quiet. This year has been differently difficult. Believe it or not I fell in love this year. I met someone after talking for a couple of months I started to have strong feelings and I decided to take a risk. I decided to let her in. For a good while she at least told me she felt the same way. Then out of nowhere she didn’t want a relationship and not to long after that she ghosted me. This destroyed me! It knocked me back into that hole I just recently climbed out of. Now I am living in that hole hiding away. I find myself coming out for air, yet it’s not long before I am back inside. The best way I can put it is my heart has taken control and it won’t let me open up or let someone in again. I don’t know how to explain it. My heart is over being hurt and broken? Idk makes sense.
I feel like I was in this somewhat great relationship for four years and like a thief in the night it ended. Ever since I have been wandering around trying to learn how to love again. Love someone else, but also love myself. It took me awhile to accept that my ex was really gone and sadly sometimes I will have a sharp pain in my heart or I will have a panic attack with memories rushing to my head almost like I was being water boarded with them. It never takes long before the tears fall. If I am being honest there was awhile where I was fighting it and just burying myself in working or something else. Lately, I have just been crushed with the heavy weight of it all. I am always reminded that everything will be okay in time. I think my Love for her just won’t die and that is digging at the scars she left me.
What is Love? I have lost the meaning of that word. I used to think it meant always winning in the end. Even has my thoughts of Love have completely changed the Love I had for my ex lingers and it makes no sense to me. I think as much as I want a new relationship and to find new love my heart has had enough. I truly believed that the girl I met this year was truly amazing and I felt so many things with her and although we never were technically in a relationship I thought we fit together. To build a connection with someone is amazing. It just crushed me that we live in a world where it’s easier to just ghost someone. It makes me not want to leave my hole. Then I am reminded of what it’s like to have your partner in crime. It leads me to try again and not give up. The problem is my heart is just not in it and I have no idea how to fix it. I have so much trauma. I feel like I am falling down a bad path and I am lost. I am not understanding how to course correct.
I understand that I am not going to find someone that is supposed to fix me because that is something that I need to do by myself. I just wish I could find someone that will understand and be patient with me. I swear I have a lot of love to give. In this moment of my life I just need to get past all of this trauma. I am a really a nice guy that will go out of his way to make you smile. I am loyal and honest. I am funny and a little nerdy. I am just looking for my other half. It’s not easy finding that right person you can build a connect with. Then when you think you found that right person, it just doesn’t work out. That is life! I think if I was meant to be single I would feel at peace with being by myself. The simple fact that I want to fall in love is proof enough that I need to keep pushing forward and not giving up. There has to be a women out there that is looking for a loyal faithful man that will Love them and always be there for them. I have to still believe!
In Between the Words 