Searching for Answers

I look at my Life,
and I’m still wondering what works.
There is so much hurt,
Why does it keep getting worse?
I see everyone around me moving forward,
yet I feel like I am at a stand still.
I can’t seem to move, just lose.
Heart broken more times then I can count.
I got nobody that I can really trust in,
I got nobody that I can look too.
I guess this is what I deserve,
Its what I get for being faithful.
Everything makes me feel so angry.
It’s like I am waiting for someone to save me,
yet everyone is already gone,
because nobody ever sticks around long.
I just want to feel love,
I want to see it so badly,
but I’m walking around here blind.
I never feel like I know where I am going.
I am just tired of living in this world alone.
I am not sure what I need to believe,
but this way of living isn’t it.
This sad lonely life isn’t what’s going to revitalize my heart,
or my passion,
I wish knew what was happening,
I wish I had some answers!
I wish I had someone to look into there eyes,
I wish I could share with them my pieced together heart,
Show them the scars from it being ripped apart.
I want to believe in second chances.
I want what I once had even if I have to sacrifice everything I am.
I just want to be happy.
I am so tired of sifting through all these bad situations I find myself in,
why can’t I just erase them?
Why do I keep building things up just to watch them collapse in front of me?
Can I have some relief?
Can I just have someone that will love me for me?
Or will I always be someone giving his all,
But still left with nobody at all.

SORE

I keep my mind on the bad things,
so I’ll collapse in fear,
losing my faith,
everything feels like a waste.
I am always putting myself down,
but I am lifting myself up.
Crashed, everything has fallen,
and I am just on repeat.
won’t you let me forget all the bullshit,
and let me concentrate on drinking?
I’ve been fighting this sickness,
I’ve poured myself out in these poems.
But the tears you’ve created keep coming.
Here I am pushing through the pain.
I’ve been living with my mistakes,
Still begging for an escape,
Working through the scars,
I feel like dying, but I am still alive,
Living inside of a nightmare,
With no one that cares.
I am so damn tired,
and so damn sore!

Lasting Trauma

All this time has passed and I still feel shameful,
I guess that is what I get for being faithful.
I thought you were something that I needed,
I guess you took everything, you succeeded,
From over here you looked so conceited.
You put your mind at ease blaming it all on me,
I never told you I was some angel,
I told you my flaws get to me, you didn’t believe me,
You kept saying meaningful things that became meaningless,
over time you truly showed your true colors.
How did you become that person I could believe,
To now someone that I can no longer see?
My biggest weakness is that I cared too much,
It still hurts so much and I’ve had enough.
I am having a hard time working through my lowest moments,
and I just want to be happy, but there is a crack in my smile,
I don’t know but it feels like it’s been there for awhile.
I guess now that your gone, you got everything you wanted,
and I’m living everyday wondering if I could trust anyone,
wondering if this pain in my heart will ever go away?
I just want to feel normal again,
but I am feeling soulless,
I am feeling heartless,
I am feeling hopeless.
I know what that means,
I am no longer the man I once was.
I am so scared of making the wrong choices,
I make the wrong choices.
I am thinking the wrong thoughts,
and I don’t remember how to just be myself.

What Truly Mattered.

I miss believing you only had eyes for me,
acting like a complete fool in front of you.
I miss losing sleep creating unforgettable memories,
I miss holding you in my arms.
I miss losing board games to you,
I even miss the rainy days.
I miss the long walks,
and all the fulfilling talks.
I miss the peace we found by the water.
I miss making you smile and laugh.
I miss hearing about your day.
I miss the little things,
I miss our little family,
I miss the life we built,
I miss them because,
those were the things that mattered the most.